


Memorials in Flesh

by idrilsdarkwritings (idrilhadhafang)



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Dark, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Guilt, Heavy Angst, Leia Organa Is Not Nice, Minor Jessika Pava/Paige Tico, Pre-Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, Self-Harm, Wakes & Funerals
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-04
Updated: 2019-07-04
Packaged: 2020-06-09 12:41:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 603
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19476139
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idrilhadhafang/pseuds/idrilsdarkwritings
Summary: Poe isn’t coping well with Paige Tico’s tragic death — or anything else.





	Memorials in Flesh

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: Minor Characters
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing. 
> 
> Author’s Notes: Warning for self-harm.

Bespin had given them plenty of time to mourn their fallen friends. They hadn’t had time to mourn thanks to the evacuation of D’Qar, and how hurried everything had been. But Poe was glad, at least, that now they had time to mourn.   
  
Paige Tico. She hadn’t just been a statistic, a mistake, a dead hero without a leader like General Organa wanted her to be. She had been a sister, a fighter, a lover — and thanks to his actions, she was gone.   
  
(Some had implied that Poe should have died instead. Poe couldn’t argue with that)  
  
There was no body to bury, but some of Paige’s things were available. There was that. Even as Poe stared blankly ahead as they buried Paige’s things, he wondered what it would be like if Paige was actually alive. At least there were no burnt, hurt remains for people to all but gawk at.   
  
There was that.   
  
***  
“I should have known something like this would happen.” General Organa’s words were slightly slurred; she must have gotten into the Bespin ale after the ceremony. “I always knew you were reckless. Now look at this.”  
  
“She gave her life, General; she volunteered!” Poe said. “How many people like that don’t come back? You certainly never blamed me before.”  
  
“It wasn’t due to your foolishness, your...machismo.”  
  
Poe stared at her, speechless for a good portion of the whole thing. _She thinks I killed Paige on purpose because I wanted to feel like a man?_  
  
Leia continued. “It’s the same reason Holdo’s dead. If you’d listened to her, trusted her — ”  
  
“People were dying, General!” Poe objected. “You didn’t...stars, even before that codebreaker sold us out, people were being picked off. Medical ships. I heard them die, I saw them die, and Holdo...continued on.”  
  
He had to fight back the tears in that moment. Even watching the whole thing and wondering when exactly Finn and Rose would get back...well, it had been terrifying. In the end, Poe could say that if he hadn’t feared for everyone onboard...well, he wouldn’t have done any of what he did.   
  
“If you had listened to her, maybe we’d have more beings left alive.” Leia said.   
  
Kriff, but Poe felt like a Gamorrean had kicked him in the chest even as Leia walked away.   
  
***  
  
Poe kicked a wall the moment he got back to his room on Bespin. It was immature, he knew it, and yet those feelings of anger and humiliation had to go somewhere. Anywhere. The fact that the General blamed him for Paige’s death, dismissed her, hated him —  
  
Maybe she was right.   
  
Maybe he should have died instead. Gone up in flames instead of Paige. He thought the General would miss him if he was gone. He was wrong.   
  
No, he had to stay alive. Stay alive, if only for the Resistance...  
  
He took out a vibroblade from the footlocker, carefully traced a shallow P on the tender flesh of his arm, then a T. P.T. Paige Tico. That way he wouldn’t forget. Death was the coward’s way out — somehow, he had to suffer more, even more —  
  
The blood shimmered in the cuts he had made. Shallow cuts, but there nonetheless.   
  
Best way to honor the dead.   
  
***  
  
It was in private that Poe found ways to add memorials. There were tallies on his arm for the people he didn’t remember (and even that hurt), an A and an H for Amilyn Holdo...it was kriffed up that he had more tallies than letters. But remembering the dead — yeah, he could do that. He could definitely do that.


End file.
